Listening to: Such Great Heights by The Postal Service
Goals and purposes breathe meaning into life. Goals and purpose form the psychological underpinnings of our individual lives. There’s power in purpose, and I can’t seem to find it.
When 60 students were asked why they had attempted suicide, 85% said the reason had been that “Life was meaningless.”—Viktor Frankl
Governments, guided by social scientists, used to say that if you just improve the socio-economic status of the people, everything will be ok, people will become happy. The truth is that as the struggle for survival has subsided, the question has emerged: survival for what? Ever more people today have the means to live, but no meaning to live for. –Richard J. Leider
We cannot have deep and enduring satisfaction unless we have self-worth. We cannot have self-worth unless our lives are an earnest attempt to express the finest and most enduring qualities that we are aware of. Purpose is an important condition for enduring satisfaction with life. --Henry David Thoreau
Listening to: Banana Mango by The Rising Pints (lol don’t ask I think its an Irish group)
::Refocus::
This post isn’t meant to be depressing just informative stuff I think is part of my problem. I can’t work on my problems if I can’t put a finger on it. This is just kind of a “pep talk’ to myself and kind of what I’m going to try and keep as a mindset this next quarter.
I need to find my own goal and not to be cliché but march to my own rhythm. To quote Thoreau again..*likes him* If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away. Now I’m not saying I have to be iconoclast or that I’m going to move to Walden Pond and live alone in the woods like Thoreau did. I just want to set my own pace instead of going along with the crowd and find my own personal goal without surrendering to others expectations. I really think that when you become part of a crowd you stop thinking for yourself. I want to keep my independence, my freedom to think and decide individually. You’re alone in an empty movie theater and you hear the cry of “fire.” You look around, see no flames, smell no smoke, you calmly walk to the nearest exit. But, repeat the same cry of “fire” with the same scenario in a crowded theater and once that crowd starts running for an exit, you’ll find yourself running too. That’s crowd psychology.—Edson Gould. That’s an extreme example but explains crowd psychology well.
Listening to: Blackthorn Stick & Donnybrook by The Rising Pints (I was right it is Irish the next song is called “I Miss Dublin”…I like this song * starts to dance an Irish jig* lol)
::Refocus::
A goal should be more than a statement but a vivid dream. Lol course as a kid I dreamt of being all sorts of things..mostly having to do with what I read and watched on TV. So that being said maybe I should be a cowboy (watched a lot of John Wayne movies as a kid lol) or a police officer (Rin Tin Tin: K9 Cop w00t!) But in all seriousness I wanted to be those things at the time cause I thought it would make me happy. ..If you can’t honestly verbalize what you need to make you happy, you’re going to wander aimlessly through life. (No really?!…sorry sarcasm) The clock keeps ticking whether you decide to answer that question or not. Instead of participating and reveling in life, you end up simply reacting to situation after situation. You unquestionably embrace the idea that your own happiness is out of control. You then begin to believe that it will suddenly appear just as someone or something in your life changes. Unfortunately, that’s like playing the state lottery. Your chances of getting hit by lightening are far better than finding real happiness and meaning in your life… --Dr. David G. Williams
Anyway I’m not sure where I’m going with this and I don’t have the time to complete this lol…I should be studying for finals…sheesh what timing I have to have a self revelation when I should be studying…procrastination at it’s lowest…
Ang|W|P|Update!!! :PListening to: Sour Times by The Blank Theory
Everything’s so quiet. Jeff's busy; Wendy is doing her online dating sites (yes that’s plural) again... I think. *Rolls eyes* Everyone is doing their own thing and I’m just sitting here. Kind of reminds me of the calm before a storm. *Bites lip* If I wasn’t so paranoid about finals week I might actually enjoy this calm and quietness. But it’s kind of hard to enjoy something when u have nagging thoughts bothering you. I talked to Ang a bit today, she's home for the weekend. I was supposed to be too :( or that was the plan anyway. I miss Fuji the most, I know sounds bad. But get this I actually miss my parents right now. *Gasp* ::Refocus:: Like I was saying talked to Ang a bit about some stuff. It was nice to vent to someone who actually understood for once. Least about this particular issue of mine. It was just nice to have someone agree with me and just sympathize. Most of the time you get suggestions and "advice" on what to do or what you’re doing wrong. And I put advice in parenthesis because I believe advice should be asked for not forced down your throat. It was just nice to have someone listen and share common experiences for once...and that’s it. (If anyone I know is reading this and wondering why I didn’t come to them...there's just certain things you can and cannot tell certain people or feel comfortable doing so. It's nothing personal.) Oh wow I think my spell checker is ghetto… “But it’s kind of hard to enjoy something when you have nagging thoughts bothering you.” It picked that out the have and suggested has 0.o?!
|W|P|111066350163009522|W|P|Bored Babble|W|P|nicanikole@gmail.comMost of my close friends do not know that I have an online journal. I like to keep it that way because I might talk about them here, and some things just need to be personal, and this is my journal after all. I do wish that this journal was more of a diary, because there are tons of things left unsaid by all of us that have one of these. That's a shame really. You can never be too safe about what you say publicly. I just don't want to be bitten in the ass one of these days, by a reader. *Take me for the rose I am* There's nothing wrong with my friends. There's nothing wrong with my home. There's nothing wrong with my family. There's nothing wrong with my past. There's nothing wrong with my LIFE. So why do I live in a fantasy world? Why do I always wish I were somewhere else, with someone else, at a different point in time? And when I get to where I wanted to go- I have no interest in being there either. I have an excellent imagination that takes me everywhere I wish I could be, if I were only to accomplish *certain* things. Well that's always it. I sit around doing absolutely nothing while dreaming of this life that requires me to be productive right now. It requires me to know myself, to be appreciative for what I have, to love those around me, to aim low rather than high to illuminate the risk of disappointment. I can't seem to do this. Everything is 10x better in my head and everything escapes me. I let it get away, and I subconsciously blame it on something else. I can't put anything into words. My level of self-expression is minimal at best. I'm completely locked inside my own head with no way out and a myriad of people/things around me telling me to "look on the bright side" and that I should/have the ability to make something of myself. I don't feel that way. I want to be left alone... but with a parade of people behind me ready to catch me when I fall. I want to stop time... but to be able to pick up later as if the time had passed when I'm ready to return to reality. I want to go somewhere else.... but come home if I need to with everything as is. I want everything that can and will never be. And even if anything I want is possible, I don't have the energy nor the knowledge for which to initiate it. I'm basically a fuck up, no matter what you or anyone else thinks of me in a positive sense. Perception is reality and my perception of myself SUCKS. There's nothing you can say to change that because it's beyond that point. I'm not angry with people, I love people.... I’m angry with myself.
|W|P|111010462977821812|W|P|Bleh Day 2|W|P|nicanikole@gmail.comSome days I wake up positive and happy. And then there are the other days — too many of them — when I wake up and can't imagine living through another hour of this life. They think I sleep in because I like sleep, because I'm tired. I lie there forcing myself back to slumber because I feel hopeless. Because I'm hiding. I don't want to be awake anymore. Because the smiles and laughter have been trapped in some whirlpool inside of me, and I walk around gray, faded, angry, frustrated, anxious, roiling with every negative emotion and feeling and walking around feeling desperate to find an end to it all. It won't get better if I don't take both my hands and apply some brutal torque. But I'm too tired to try. And I don't know how. I am hopeless and embarrassed of my whining and my rut and my seeming inabilities and inadequacies. My daily mask is a smile for the outside world. What do friends think of me? What does anyone? My mask is dissolving, and I hold it up falling apart hoping the trick still works. I don't want to be scrutinized, for them to wrinkle up their foreheads and make assumptions. Nobody can help fix anything except me, and people have their maddening theories as to why I might feel the way I do. I could not for a minute let my mom in on it, she'd start deciding it was time to go back to a counselor or some such. I could crawl into a dumpster to physically reflect my feelings but I don't want the attention or the worry and Jeff is perplexed and I imagine sick to death of the drama in my head that I do communicate occasionally, that he cannot fix, because that's what men want to do — repair. I'd hate living with me. I do hate living with me. I am brimming with self-loathing. Hopeless. Helpless. One of those days...(I'm just venting so please don't react excessively and try to throw me into an institution. Lol I already feel better and I’m probably going to regret posting this but oh well.) I'm looking forward to tonight...Love yoy Jeff :-p
|W|P|110996789510965473|W|P|Bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh|W|P|nicanikole@gmail.com Jeff|W|P|I love you too, very much. You know you can always come rant at me if you want, I'm always willing to listen and I won't judge a single thing(although, as you said, I might want to help 'fix' the problem :P). Just tell me you want me to listen, and I'll do just that. You can always lean on me if you need some support, I have plenty of it. I do know how you feel, just not to the extent that you do. I'm definitely not sick of the drama, I just want to be able to help you through it in some way, because I hate seeing anyone hurt for any reason. You are not hopeless or helpless, you just haven't found out how to help yourself yet. Be patient, it will come to you.By the way... I enjoyed tonight VERY much... and I'm glad you did too :)